Answering some interesting (read weird) comments and questions people ask about adoption:

I. Wait!!! First, do not adopt, I have this doktari/ prophet/ medicine man/ witch 

a)   People do not just wake up and decide to adopt. Most have walked the lonely journey of infertility, visited dozens of clinics, they have prayed and have been prayed for and some have drunk gallons of bitter herbs. So, please, go slow on the recommendations

b)   Some people, like us neither believe nor engage in witchcraft.

II. “Now that you are adopting, you will for sure get pregnant. 

a)   Please don’t assume it. Most adopting couples have grieved and healed from the loss that comes with infertility. The journey to healing is usually bumpy and uncertain, with many crushed hopes evidenced by the monthly flow. Go slow on such comments

III. Why have you given up in God?

a)   Is it possible to give up on a God who grants us the miracle of incomprehensible peace and joy? Is it possible to be truly be peaceful when you have given up on the giver and creator of these spiritual gifts?

b)   Why would anyone give up on the all wise God who performs the miracle of; healing our broken hearts, helping us stick through together then giving us the deep desire to adopt, not one but many children? Why would anyone give up on such a good Father?

c)   Adoption is God’s will. The devil would never give anyone the desire to want to love and take care of children they have not given birth to.

  IV. Have you selected the baby yet?

a)   No, we have not. It’s illegal to walk into a children’s home and select a child for adoption. Only registered Adoption Agencies place children in families, additionally only the High Court can grant an adoption order. Adoption is both a social and a legal process and it starts at the Adoption Agency, not the Children’s Home.

V. Can you really afford adopting a child in this country?

a)   In Kenya, you are not allowed to buy a child. Any person who gives money/ any valuable in exchange of a child engages in child trafficking and commits a crime.

b)   However, adoption being a legal process, most people prefer engaging a lawyer in the later stages for the court procedures. The legal fees are fair and negotiable.

VI. What if you get your own children, will you be able to love the adopted ones?

a)   Child birth and adoption are mutually exclusive. You cannot adopt to replace a child you wish you birthed. An adopted child is a child in their full capacity and should never be a Plan B. All adopting parents must first heal from the grief of childlessness/infertility.

b)   I am not a parent yet but from my interaction with adoptive parents (those with adopted and biological children), I think Biology is the least of what makes someone a parent. Love makes one a good parent. We have all seen many bio-parents abandon/ abuse/ neglect their children giving me the conclusion that love is more emotional than physical. The bond you form with a child has nothing to do with whether the child is biological or adopted; it has everything to do with the experiences you share together. The same is true with your spouse, in-laws, pets, friends, and anyone else in your life whom you love dearly but don’t share a blood relation with. 

Hope you enjoy this read, Lots of love.

Married, No Children…………. Remain Married!!!

“Be fruitful and multiply. . .” (Genesis 1:28). The command to procreate appears ingrained in the fiber of our being and the inability to conceive causes great pain; emotionally, intellectually, physically, and spiritually.

I think life disappointments and the prospects of unrealized expectations occur often in life and they are usually traumatic, but never quite to the degree that infertility is.

If you are a childless couple, there are steps you can take to enhance your relationship so that it grows and thrives.

1.      Honor your marriage vows- Be a team, you are to stick it out in good times and in bad times. Always approach the issues as a team, working together and finding ways to share responsibility regarding treatment. Do not blame each other, Protect your spouse!

 

2.    Separate baby-making from love- I’ll be honest, Infertility is a mood killer. Try to keep the sex alive. Plan romantic encounters and understand that sexual intimacy does not have to mean intercourse (how true is that?). Purpose to enjoy sex. Sexual union places the marriage relationship in a category apart from any other human relationship.

3.      Identify individual coping styles under stress- Childlessness and infertility involves many emotions; intense feelings of anger, anxiety, frustration, helplessness, loneliness, grief, envy, and even depression. Accept the differences in how each of you handles and deals with your feelings to lessen conflicts. 

Naturally, men and women will feel and deal differently with infertility. However, different doesn’t mean better or worse; it only means not the same.

4.      Give your spouse some breathing space- Understand that couples are rarely at the same place, at the same time, especially during infertility treatment.

5.      Together, make Important Decisions and Create A Plan- If you decide to pursue fertility treatment as a priority, but use all your money on vacations, you will likely not get any closer to success. Fertility Treatment is expensive and insurance does not cover it. 

Be assertive in deciding what you want and do not want to do. You have the right to make your own decisions including treatment. 

Remain married regardless of childlessness and infertility.

Healing from the Heart Break of Waiting - Lessons from a semi-decade

32 got me excited to share what our journey of waiting has been like. I pray that God uses this blog to reach out to many ladies and families struggling in silence. From my last blog, I received many messages thanking me for sharing what most of us cannot.

These few Truths saw me start the healing process late in 2017. May you be encouraged.

In God, there is no wasted pain. In my last blog, we saw that pain is an important agent of change, it equips us for ministry as it produces perseverance, character and hope.I should guard my heart. Peace and joy are fragile, these, I diligently guard.

Sis, if you do not have the strength to attend baby showers, children parties, etc., you are allowed to say NO, thank you. Know your stress triggers.

God owes me nothing, not even children. I am just but a jar of clay, He is the potter. If He chooses to give children, Hallelujah. If He decides not to give, He remains God, in whom I have my being.

Because God has given graces for every situation/ season, I choose joy.  I was born worthy and I remain worthy; not having children does not change that.

 

Everyone has their struggle (thorn in the flesh). Mine is not having children. God has given all of us enough grace to handle our thorns.

 

Sis……………...If you are: In deep pain, with your personal and work life in shreds, and your self-esteem in the toilet, and friends and family becoming alien to you, unable to sleep (or sleeping too much), unable to eat (or eating too much), unable to read, unable to watch a movie, unable to step out, I have been there, but In God I found my healing. Try Him.

The WAIT

1.  Pain is good – I have learnt that pain is not an interruption to my story, it is a part of it and it’s an important part of it, because pain is not only inevitable, it is also the greatest agent of change. Suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope. Hope does not disappoint.

2.   Pain changes us- The thing about childlessness is that people never think not getting pregnant is the miracle. We all think that the miracle is in the getting pregnant. That's the ideal. But the honest truth is that I am eagerly waiting to adopt a baby. Adoption was never part of our plan, but I have infertility to thank for the family we shall have. I believe that our healed hearts, sticking through this season together and not getting pregnant was our miracle.

3.   God is interested in our hearts- The desire to have children is not wrong, but where was it seated in my heart? How did it define my worth and my purpose? For years I thought and believed that having children would lead me into a life of meaning, but I have since learnt that this is not how God defines my worth, and it’s definitely not how He defines your worth.

4.   God is sovereign- He has power and authority over nature, earthly kings, history, angels, and demons. In His Sovereignty, He decides how to fill your quiver, conventionally through birth, but unconventionally through adoption and fostering. His ultimate goal is for us to bring up a godly generation.

In Conclusion:

God's power is not displayed only through supernatural physical healing. It takes a far more creative and powerful God to bring beauty and healing to brokenness that doesn't get a quick fix. Not getting the miracle we think we want can sometimes lead to miracles that are immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine. Our desire to adopt 3 children is proof.  

King Solomon: Partial Obedience is Disobedience

Synopsis of King Solomon’s reign.

v  1 Kings 1:29-30: Solomon was God’s choice as David’s predecessor.

v  1 Kings 2:1-5: David charged Solomon to observe the law of the Lord. Trust in God and obedience to God’s Word was the key choices that would bring Solomon, his family and Kingdom success.

v  I kings 3:7-12: Solomon requested for wisdom, and God gave him a wise and a discerning heart.

v  I Kings 3:1: But Solomon disobeyed God and got into an alliance with Egypt by marrying Pharaoh’s daughter.

v  I Kings 9:3-9: At the halfway mark of Solomon’s reign, the Lord appeared to Solomon a second time. He reminded him of His faithful covenant but still warned him against turning away from His ordinances.

v  1 kings 9:10- 1 Kings 11: Solomon turned away from God. The wisest man foolishly ignored God’s commands, married 700 wives and acquired 300 concubines. These women turned him away from worshipping God. He combined the worship of God with that of other gods and goddesses, those preferred by his wives.

v  Deuteronomy 17:14-20: Solomon also amassed great wealth for himself, contrary to God’s commands.

v  I Kings 11: God raised adversaries against Solomon and the Kingdom of Israel got split.

Ø1.     Do the pressures and pleasures of this life distract us from God and His goodness? Do we obey when it's convenient to? Who truly is God in our lives? Is it Self? Or Children? Or Spouses? Or Careers and businesses? Or is it God?

True wisdom loves and desires God above everything.

2.    Is our love for Jesus slowly fading away?

God revealed Himself to King Solomon early in His life. Perhaps God blessed you with believing parents, friends, neighbors, etc., but can we say that our love for Jesus grows stronger?

Sin is subtle. Falling is always a slow fade.

3.    Do we genuinely pursue God or are we fixated on His gifts to us?

No privilege, power, person or possession must be more precious to God’s people than God.

To spurn God’s grace for the empty pursuit of material things brings heartache and shame.

4.    How do we define success?

King Solomon tragically abandoned God’s glorious plans for self-indulgence, sensuality, and pride.

True success is contentment with God.

5.    Does God indeed keep His promises?

God is a promise keeper. He vowed to give David an everlasting kingdom and although the 10 tribes of Israel were torn away from his lineage, for David’s sake Judah remained and Jesus Christ, Judah’s descendant was born.

God is faithful, slow to anger, abounding in love, keeping His promises for generations.

Lots of Love,

Shikoh 💕💕

Beauty is an Inside Job

A Beautiful woman is a woman who fears God. She has an opportunity to be a great influencer at home, at work, and in society. The glaring beauty of her spirit clothes her with strength and dignity and inspires her to speak with wisdom and faithful instruction (Proverbs 31:26). 

This woman understands that physical beauty is of some value, but, she also knows that godliness has value for all things. She discerns that; charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised (Proverbs 31:30). And because she is full of wisdom, she pursues God with every ligament within her being.

On the contrary, a woman who does not know God trusts in her own wisdom and understanding, and chases after the wind in pursuit of beauty. Instead of pursuing the purity, radiance and selfless nobility of Christ-centeredness, she pursues a sensual standard of pop-culture, conforming to the patterns of this world.

We have placed a high degree of importance on physical appearance. We are obsessed with physical beauty, and, unfortunately, place a high emphasis on physical beauty and neglect the most crucial element of a woman’s beauty, which is to fear God and to hate sin.

We are all beautiful—God looked at what Eve and said she was perfect. We were designed to be attractive, and Adam confirmed this. However, the physical side of beauty is just a small part of what makes a woman truly beautiful.

Beauty is an inside job. True beauty is internal. It is not anchored on outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes, but it springs from the inside, it is the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight (1 Peter 3:3-4). This beauty is manifested in terms of character rather than appearance.

A beautiful woman teaches her heart and her children to fear God. Her soul is completely surrendered to and consumed by Jesus Christ, and her life is eagerly poured out for His sake. This woman retains Honor

I hope that you’re encouraged to take your inner beauty more seriously. Whether we chase after fashion trends or not, and whether we get a facebeat or remain plain-Jane is a personal choice. God chose us to be Holy (Ephesians 4:1) – and not (externally) beautiful.

Don’t just be a pretty face!!!!!

The Scandal of Grace

Scripture Reference: 2 Sam 7:1-20 and Luke 5:1-11

2 Sam 7:1-20
After moving the royal residence to Jerusalem and transporting the Ark of the Covenant to this new royal capital, David seeks to build a temple for God; a suitable action for a new king looking to honour his Lord. God, however, explains that David’s son would be the one to build the temple.

Additionally, in His love and grace, God promises to establish a lasting dynasty for David and his progeny: Your house and your kingdom shall be made sure forever before me; your throne shall be established forever" (2 Samuel 7:15-16).

David, overwhelmed by God’s unmerited favour sits still in grateful supplication amazed at how a Sovereign God would lavish that manner of kindness on a mortal being like him 2 Samuel 7:18. 

In 2 Samuel 7:20-29, David worships and blesses the Lord, and believes that God would bring His Word to fulfilment

Luke 5:8

Simon and his partners, in obedience to Jesus, cast their nets into the deep sea and miraculously harvest huge quantities of fish that their boats begin to sink. This miracle at once strikes Simon with the consciousness that he is, in some way, not knowing how in the presence of the supernatural. This is immediately followed by a quick spasm and sense of sin, and again by a recoil of terror, and quickly by the cry, ‘Go out of the boat; for I am a sinful man, O Lord.’

Now, parallel Simon's and David's reaction to God's grace. David sits in awe, grateful supplication and solid hope, Simon is caught up in deep fear and guilt. 

Just like Simon, we also fall into the same trap and try to get rid of thoughts which evoke these uncomfortable feelings of being impure and in peril. The consciousness of our demerit once evoked, issues in one of these two things;

• Either we move further into the darkness to get away from the light
• Or we draw nearer to Him, and at His feet, to find cleansing. 

May this Grace lead us to the full knowledge of Him who’s able to; cleanse us from our peril, keep us from stumbling and to present us before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy