Nairobi’s air was thick with worship during the week of 31 August to 4 September. Yet somewhere between the messages, the music and the many voices, I found myself returning to a question I had tucked away years ago:
What exactly do we mean when we call someone “Mama” or “Papa” in the Church? It was an old muse, but the Feast simply stirred it awake.
I have noticed a particular kind of authority today that calls itself family but functions like a fiefdom. It borrows the language of Scripture: father, mother, son, daughter, but strips out the very things that made those relationships honorable: time, transparency, accountability, freedom, etc. Since I process well through the written word, I am putting my thoughts and convictions in writing.
Is discipleship and "spiritual parenthood" the same thing? Has the church let the second masquerade as the first?
Before I say anything
about titles, let me say this plainly: we need mentors, and we are called to
mentor others. This is not the extra-credit portion of the Christian life. Scripture calls mentorship discipleship.
"Go and make disciples of all nations… teaching them to obey everything I have commanded. “
- Paul hands the baton to Timothy, who is to hand it to "faithful men who will be qualified to teach others also" (2 Timothy 2:2).
- Moses poured forty years into Joshua.
- Naomi shaped Ruth into a woman who would be named in Jesus's own genealogy.
- Barnabas took a chance on a young, unproven, formerly persecuting Paul (Acts 9:27) before Paul ever mentored anyone else.
2. The Relationship Was Never Instant
ª Paul did not meet Timothy on a Tuesday and call him “my true son” by Friday. 😏.
Their relationship was forged over time. Timothy joined Paul in ministry, travelled with him, served alongside him, and endured the demands of the Gospel. Paul knew his character and had witnessed his growth before writing: “Unto Timothy, my own son in the faith…” 1 Timothy 1:2
The word Paul uses for Timothy is the Greek teknon—“child”—a relational word that conveys affection, formation, and belonging. Paul is describing a relationship that has been shaped by his investment in the Gospel, not conferring a rank or ecclesiastical title.
And this distinction matters.
Paul does, in fact, describe himself as a spiritual father to the Corinthians: “I have begotten you through the gospel” (1 Corinthians 4:15). But notice the context: he is describing his role in bringing them to faith and discipling them, not establishing “father” as the influence through which he acquires control over their lives.
When Paul gives instructions about how the Church should function, he speaks instead of elders, overseers, deacons, teachers, and shepherds (1 Timothy 3; Titus 1; Ephesians 4:11–12). He does not establish a formal church hierarchy of spiritual fathers over spiritual children.
For me, the distinction is important because Paul uses fatherhood language to describe a discipleship relationship.
ª Elisha's story is even more physical. He wasn't called with a title; he was called with a cloak thrown over his shoulders while he was still plowing (1 Kings 19:19).
Then came years of quietly serving Elijah (2 Kings 3:11), unglamorous, faithful, unseen service, and it was long before he ever cried out, "my father, my father!" as Elijah was carried up to heaven (2 Kings 2:12).
Notice, too: he never called him that while receiving instructions, but it surfaced as grief, not as a form of daily address used to secure obedience
3. Same-Sex, Same-Season, Fully Visible
- Notice, too, who
disciples whom…..
- Paul poured into Timothy and Titus, men.
- Elijah poured into Elisha, a man.
- And when Paul writes to Titus about the women in the church, he doesn't ask for a "mother in Israel" to gather daughters unto herself. He asks for something far more ordinary, and far safer: Titus 2:3–5 "…older women… train the younger women to love their husbands and children."
Men discipling men. Women discipling women. Not as a rigid biblical rule, but as a wise and intentional safeguard.
I believe that Scripture gives us this pattern in Titus 2, where older women are instructed to teach younger women, and in 1 Timothy 5:2, where Timothy is told to treat younger women “as sisters, with all purity.” When intimacy and authority become blurred, the language of “Mama” and “Papa” can sometimes provide a family label for relationships that lack the transparency and accountability they require.
4. Honor That's Earned Shouldn't Wear the Costume of Honor That's Owed
"Honor
your father and your mother" (Exodus 20:12) sits inside the Ten
Commandments, and it's unconditional in a way almost nothing else in our faith
is. A child doesn't get to withhold honor because a parent had a bad week. That
honor is built into the relationship at creation (Genesis 2:24) — it isn't
earned, and it can never be revoked.
In my few years as a believer, I have observed that abuse rarely looks like a wicked person seizing power by force. It looks like someone being granted a category of trust that quietly exempts them from ordinary questions, and a title does that work beautifully. Once someone is "Papa," asking them where is mummy, or where did the money go? or why is there no oversight, sounds like betrayal.
But surely honour does not mean the absence of questions. Even as adult children, we question our earthly parents, respectfully, lovingly and honestly. 😏 How much more should spiritual relationships make room for truth, transparency and accountability?
Jesus saw this coming and named it directly, aimed at religious leaders who had built entire systems of deference around themselves (Matthew 23:5–7). He was not undoing Paul's warmer, later use of "son.", but He was forbidding the version where the title is used as leverage.
"Do not call anyone on earth your father, for you have one Father, and he is in heaven."
5. In Closing
2. Church leaders, please do not demand the honour of a parent while resisting the accountability that comes with spiritual leadership. Paul could say, “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1) because his teaching and conduct were not beyond examination. He invited scrutiny, welcomed correction, and consistently pointed people beyond himself to Christ. If we ask people to follow our example, we must be willing for our example to be examined. Spiritual authority should never be a shield from accountability. It should make us even more willing to live transparently.
3. Mentor generously. Be mentored humbly. Call it discipleship. Call them pastors, teachers, disciplers, shepherds. Scripture already gave us the words.
Shikoh 💕
