Answering some interesting (read weird) comments and questions people ask about adoption:

I. Wait!!! First, do not adopt, I have this doktari/ prophet/ medicine man/ witch 

a)   People do not just wake up and decide to adopt. Most have walked the lonely journey of infertility, visited dozens of clinics, they have prayed and have been prayed for and some have drunk gallons of bitter herbs. So, please, go slow on the recommendations

b)   Some people, like us neither believe nor engage in witchcraft.

II. “Now that you are adopting, you will for sure get pregnant. 

a)   Please don’t assume it. Most adopting couples have grieved and healed from the loss that comes with infertility. The journey to healing is usually bumpy and uncertain, with many crushed hopes evidenced by the monthly flow. Go slow on such comments

III. Why have you given up in God?

a)   Is it possible to give up on a God who grants us the miracle of incomprehensible peace and joy? Is it possible to be truly be peaceful when you have given up on the giver and creator of these spiritual gifts?

b)   Why would anyone give up on the all wise God who performs the miracle of; healing our broken hearts, helping us stick through together then giving us the deep desire to adopt, not one but many children? Why would anyone give up on such a good Father?

c)   Adoption is God’s will. The devil would never give anyone the desire to want to love and take care of children they have not given birth to.

  IV. Have you selected the baby yet?

a)   No, we have not. It’s illegal to walk into a children’s home and select a child for adoption. Only registered Adoption Agencies place children in families, additionally only the High Court can grant an adoption order. Adoption is both a social and a legal process and it starts at the Adoption Agency, not the Children’s Home.

V. Can you really afford adopting a child in this country?

a)   In Kenya, you are not allowed to buy a child. Any person who gives money/ any valuable in exchange of a child engages in child trafficking and commits a crime.

b)   However, adoption being a legal process, most people prefer engaging a lawyer in the later stages for the court procedures. The legal fees are fair and negotiable.

VI. What if you get your own children, will you be able to love the adopted ones?

a)   Child birth and adoption are mutually exclusive. You cannot adopt to replace a child you wish you birthed. An adopted child is a child in their full capacity and should never be a Plan B. All adopting parents must first heal from the grief of childlessness/infertility.

b)   I am not a parent yet but from my interaction with adoptive parents (those with adopted and biological children), I think Biology is the least of what makes someone a parent. Love makes one a good parent. We have all seen many bio-parents abandon/ abuse/ neglect their children giving me the conclusion that love is more emotional than physical. The bond you form with a child has nothing to do with whether the child is biological or adopted; it has everything to do with the experiences you share together. The same is true with your spouse, in-laws, pets, friends, and anyone else in your life whom you love dearly but don’t share a blood relation with. 

Hope you enjoy this read, Lots of love.

Married, No Children…………. Remain Married!!!

“Be fruitful and multiply. . .” (Genesis 1:28). The command to procreate appears ingrained in the fiber of our being and the inability to conceive causes great pain; emotionally, intellectually, physically, and spiritually.

I think life disappointments and the prospects of unrealized expectations occur often in life and they are usually traumatic, but never quite to the degree that infertility is.

If you are a childless couple, there are steps you can take to enhance your relationship so that it grows and thrives.

1.      Honor your marriage vows- Be a team, you are to stick it out in good times and in bad times. Always approach the issues as a team, working together and finding ways to share responsibility regarding treatment. Do not blame each other, Protect your spouse!

 

2.    Separate baby-making from love- I’ll be honest, Infertility is a mood killer. Try to keep the sex alive. Plan romantic encounters and understand that sexual intimacy does not have to mean intercourse (how true is that?). Purpose to enjoy sex. Sexual union places the marriage relationship in a category apart from any other human relationship.

3.      Identify individual coping styles under stress- Childlessness and infertility involves many emotions; intense feelings of anger, anxiety, frustration, helplessness, loneliness, grief, envy, and even depression. Accept the differences in how each of you handles and deals with your feelings to lessen conflicts. 

Naturally, men and women will feel and deal differently with infertility. However, different doesn’t mean better or worse; it only means not the same.

4.      Give your spouse some breathing space- Understand that couples are rarely at the same place, at the same time, especially during infertility treatment.

5.      Together, make Important Decisions and Create A Plan- If you decide to pursue fertility treatment as a priority, but use all your money on vacations, you will likely not get any closer to success. Fertility Treatment is expensive and insurance does not cover it. 

Be assertive in deciding what you want and do not want to do. You have the right to make your own decisions including treatment. 

Remain married regardless of childlessness and infertility.