Healing from the Heart Break of Waiting - Lessons from a semi-decade

32 got me excited to share what our journey of waiting has been like. I pray that God uses this blog to reach out to many ladies and families struggling in silence. From my last blog, I received many messages thanking me for sharing what most of us cannot.

These few Truths saw me start the healing process late in 2017. May you be encouraged.

In God, there is no wasted pain. In my last blog, we saw that pain is an important agent of change, it equips us for ministry as it produces perseverance, character and hope.I should guard my heart. Peace and joy are fragile, these, I diligently guard.

Sis, if you do not have the strength to attend baby showers, children parties, etc., you are allowed to say NO, thank you. Know your stress triggers.

God owes me nothing, not even children. I am just but a jar of clay, He is the potter. If He chooses to give children, Hallelujah. If He decides not to give, He remains God, in whom I have my being.

Because God has given graces for every situation/ season, I choose joy.  I was born worthy and I remain worthy; not having children does not change that.

 

Everyone has their struggle (thorn in the flesh). Mine is not having children. God has given all of us enough grace to handle our thorns.

 

Sis……………...If you are: In deep pain, with your personal and work life in shreds, and your self-esteem in the toilet, and friends and family becoming alien to you, unable to sleep (or sleeping too much), unable to eat (or eating too much), unable to read, unable to watch a movie, unable to step out, I have been there, but In God I found my healing. Try Him.

The WAIT

1.    Pain is good – I have learnt that pain is not an interruption to my story, it is a part of it and it’s an important part of it, because pain is not only inevitable, it is also the greatest agent of change. Suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope. Hope does not disappoint.

2.     Pain changes us- The thing about childlessness is that people never think not getting pregnant is the miracle. We all think that the miracle is in the getting pregnant. That's the ideal. But the honest truth is that I am eagerly waiting to adopt a baby. Adoption was never part of our plan, but I have infertility to thank for the family we shall have. I believe that our healed hearts, sticking through this season together and not getting pregnant was our miracle.

3.     God is interested in our hearts- The desire to have children is not wrong, but where was it seated in my heart? How did it define my worth and my purpose? For years I thought and believed that having children would lead me into a life of meaning, but I have since learnt that this is not how God defines my worth, and it’s definitely not how He defines your worth.

4.     God is sovereign- He has power and authority over nature, earthly kings, history, angels, and demons. In His Sovereignty, He decides how to fill your quiver, conventionally through birth, but unconventionally through adoption and fostering. His ultimate goal is for us to bring up a godly generation.

In Conclusion:

God's power is not displayed only through supernatural physical healing. It takes a far more creative and powerful God to bring beauty and healing to brokenness that doesn't get a quick fix. Not getting the miracle we think we want can sometimes lead to miracles that are immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine. Our desire to adopt 3 children is proof.  

King Solomon: Partial Obedience is Disobedience

Synopsis of King Solomon’s reign.

v  1 Kings 1:29-30: Solomon was God’s choice as David’s predecessor.

v  1 Kings 2:1-5: David charged Solomon to observe the law of the Lord. Trust in God and obedience to God’s Word was the key choices that would bring Solomon, his family and Kingdom success.

v  I kings 3:7-12: Solomon requested for wisdom, and God gave him a wise and a discerning heart.

v  I Kings 3:1: But Solomon disobeyed God and got into an alliance with Egypt by marrying Pharaoh’s daughter.

v  I Kings 9:3-9: At the halfway mark of Solomon’s reign, the Lord appeared to Solomon a second time. He reminded him of His faithful covenant but still warned him against turning away from His ordinances.

v  1 kings 9:10- 1 Kings 11: Solomon turned away from God. The wisest man foolishly ignored God’s commands, married 700 wives and acquired 300 concubines. These women turned him away from worshipping God. He combined the worship of God with that of other gods and goddesses, those preferred by his wives.

v  Deuteronomy 17:14-20: Solomon also amassed great wealth for himself, contrary to God’s commands.

v  I Kings 11: God raised adversaries against Solomon and the Kingdom of Israel got split.

Ø1.     Do the pressures and pleasures of this life distract us from God and His goodness? Do we obey when it's convenient to? Who truly is God in our lives? Is it Self? Or Children? Or Spouses? Or Careers and businesses? Or is it God?

True wisdom loves and desires God above everything.

2.    Is our love for Jesus slowly fading away?

God revealed Himself to King Solomon early in His life. Perhaps God blessed you with believing parents, friends, neighbors, etc., but can we say that our love for Jesus grows stronger?

Sin is subtle. Falling is always a slow fade.

3.    Do we genuinely pursue God or are we fixated on His gifts to us?

No privilege, power, person or possession must be more precious to God’s people than God.

To spurn God’s grace for the empty pursuit of material things brings heartache and shame.

4.    How do we define success?

King Solomon tragically abandoned God’s glorious plans for self-indulgence, sensuality, and pride.

True success is contentment with God.

5.    Does God indeed keep His promises?

God is a promise keeper. He vowed to give David an everlasting kingdom and although the 10 tribes of Israel were torn away from his lineage, for David’s sake Judah remained and Jesus Christ, Judah’s descendant was born.

God is faithful, slow to anger, abounding in love, keeping His promises for generations.

Lots of Love,

Shikoh 💕💕

Beauty is an Inside Job

A Beautiful woman is a woman who fears God. She has an opportunity to be a great influencer at home, at work, and in society. The glaring beauty of her spirit clothes her with strength and dignity and inspires her to speak with wisdom and faithful instruction (Proverbs 31:26). 

This woman understands that physical beauty is of some value, but, she also knows that godliness has value for all things. She discerns that; charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised (Proverbs 31:30). And because she is full of wisdom, she pursues God with every ligament within her being.

On the contrary, a woman who does not know God trusts in her own wisdom and understanding, and chases after the wind in pursuit of beauty. Instead of pursuing the purity, radiance and selfless nobility of Christ-centeredness, she pursues a sensual standard of pop-culture, conforming to the patterns of this world.

We have placed a high degree of importance on physical appearance. We are obsessed with physical beauty, and, unfortunately, place a high emphasis on physical beauty and neglect the most crucial element of a woman’s beauty, which is to fear God and to hate sin.

We are all beautiful—God looked at what Eve and said she was perfect. We were designed to be attractive, and Adam confirmed this. However, the physical side of beauty is just a small part of what makes a woman truly beautiful.

Beauty is an inside job. True beauty is internal. It is not anchored on outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes, but it springs from the inside, it is the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight (1 Peter 3:3-4). This beauty is manifested in terms of character rather than appearance.

A beautiful woman teaches her heart and her children to fear God. Her soul is completely surrendered to and consumed by Jesus Christ, and her life is eagerly poured out for His sake. This woman retains Honor

I hope that you’re encouraged to take your inner beauty more seriously. Whether we chase after fashion trends or not, and whether we get a facebeat or remain plain-Jane is a personal choice. God chose us to be Holy (Ephesians 4:1) – and not (externally) beautiful.

Don’t just be a pretty face!!!!!

The Scandal of Grace

Scripture Reference: 2 Sam 7:1-20 and Luke 5:1-11

2 Sam 7:1-20
After moving the royal residence to Jerusalem and transporting the Ark of the Covenant to this new royal capital, David seeks to build a temple for God; a suitable action for a new king looking to honour his Lord. God, however, explains that David’s son would be the one to build the temple.

Additionally, in His love and grace, God promises to establish a lasting dynasty for David and his progeny: Your house and your kingdom shall be made sure forever before me; your throne shall be established forever" (2 Samuel 7:15-16).

David, overwhelmed by God’s unmerited favour sits still in grateful supplication amazed at how a Sovereign God would lavish that manner of kindness on a mortal being like him 2 Samuel 7:18. 

In 2 Samuel 7:20-29, David worships and blesses the Lord, and believes that God would bring His Word to fulfilment

Luke 5:8

Simon and his partners, in obedience to Jesus, cast their nets into the deep sea and miraculously harvest huge quantities of fish that their boats begin to sink. This miracle at once strikes Simon with the consciousness that he is, in some way, not knowing how in the presence of the supernatural. This is immediately followed by a quick spasm and sense of sin, and again by a recoil of terror, and quickly by the cry, ‘Go out of the boat; for I am a sinful man, O Lord.’

Now, parallel Simon's and David's reaction to God's grace. David sits in awe, grateful supplication and solid hope, Simon is caught up in deep fear and guilt. 

Just like Simon, we also fall into the same trap and try to get rid of thoughts which evoke these uncomfortable feelings of being impure and in peril. The consciousness of our demerit once evoked, issues in one of these two things;

• Either we move further into the darkness to get away from the light
• Or we draw nearer to Him, and at His feet, to find cleansing. 

May this Grace lead us to the full knowledge of Him who’s able to; cleanse us from our peril, keep us from stumbling and to present us before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy

Dating: Passion and Purity

First, a Christian is simply someone who follows Jesus, who calls upon Jesus Christ as his or her Lord as well as Savior (Rom. 10:9). Similarly, Christianity is an ongoing journey of discipleship to Jesus. From those definitions, we can conclude that a Christian relationship is a close friendship between two Christians involving romantic feelings.

I want to, in deep humility, share a few Christian dating tips that helped us date in purity, acknowledging that, I have neither attained nor perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me.

1.   Love the Lord your God:

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” (Mark 12:30). It is not possible to truly love anyone else if you do not love God first and most. And no one will truly love you if they do not love God more than they love you.

Jesus Christ must capture our hearts; we find our deepest joy in him. We hide our soul in Him and stop trying to save or prove ourselves. We devote our minds to knowing him more and more and plead with him to conform our mind and will to his. We put all our strength into his goal and plan for our life: to make disciples who love him with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength.

Do you want to date and marry well? Listen to Jesus, and “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” Seek him first (Matthew 6:33), and dating will be added according to his perfect plan and timing.

If your girlfriend or boyfriend claims to love the Lord but his value system is contrary to scripture, take that as a red flag. If they are living in willful sin and are never repentant, question their faith too.

John 14 vs. 15: If ye love me, keep my commandments. To love God is to obey His Word. This leads me to my next point:

2.   Do not be unequally yoked:

2 Corinthians 6 vs. 14: Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?

Deuteronomy 7 vs. 3-4: Moses warns the Israelites against marrying foreign women as they enter the Promised Land. They rationalized, they disobeyed, and they married the foreign women forming covenants between themselves and people who neither knew nor served God. In so doing, they were led astray.

Christians uniting themselves to people who do not love, follow, or submit to Christ is direct disobedience. This rubs people the wrong way, because no matter how loving, kind, respectful, sweet, romantic an unbelieving partner is, she/he still is at odds with Christ, if we call ourselves Christians, then the Bible is our final authority.

It is also very important to consider a partner's close friendships. 1 Corinthians 15 vs. 33, Bad Company corrupts good character. Friends are a strong indicator of a partner’s character because two people cannot walk together unless they agree (Amos 3 vs.3)

God cares about our relationships because He cares about us. He cares about our purity because that is what keeps us in a relationship with Him! Our holiness preaches the gospel louder than our words. Unequal yoking hinders our walk with God – the one thing we need more than anything else.

3.   Accountability:

I think the term — accountability — has dried out and gone stale in modern dating, but Scripture calls us to be authentically, deeply, consistently known by someone who cares enough to keep us from making mistakes or indulging in sin.

God has placed you into other believers’ lives for your own good. First, to be encouraged: “We urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all” (1 Thessalonians 5:14). To get challenged and corrected; “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom” (Colossians 3:16). And to be built up: “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Dating often isolates us from other Christians in our lives. The closer we become with a boyfriend or girlfriend, the further we move from other important relationships. Satan loves this and encourages it at every turn. One way to walk wisely in dating is to oppose absolutely everything Satan might want for you. Fight the impulse to date in a corner by yourselves, and instead draw one another into those important relationships.

Double down on family and friends — with affection, intentionality, and communication — while you’re dating. They can see some things that love blinds you to see.

4.  Disclosure:

In cases of past sin, I am a firm believer that God forgives and restores, 2 Corinthians 5 vs. 17: If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

In dating, when you reach a point in a relationship when you know that you are heading down the road to "Serious-ville" (marriage), then it is time to prepare for two becoming one.  And if you are contemplating this kind of commitment, I'm of the camp that you will need to open the door to whatever you are holding close, protecting or keeping in a safe place.  Your future spouse is getting ready to join his or her life to yours and vice versa, so you need to know who and what you are going to be investing your life in.

I believe that partners should disclose the below as soon as they are comfortable and peaceful with each other:

Ø  Past sex habits; Pornography, masturbation, fornication, homosexuality etc.

Ø  Prior marriages; Come-we-stay, traditional, civil or even church marriages

Ø  Children conceived with former partners.

Ø  Incomes/ Liabilities/ Assets etc.

Ø  Responsibilities tied to income- e.g. paying siblings school fees etc.

Ø  Terminal illnesses.

I acknowledge that it is really hard for two young, hormone-filled people who are intensely attracted to each other to keep their hands off each other. Initially in our first few months of dating, pursuing purity in our relationship was a real struggle and a constant battle, however, through accountability and focusing on God, we found a way to keep our hands off each other and honour God and each other with our bodies.

If you have fallen into sexual sin and are willing to pick up and start of a clean slate, Jehova is gracious, and He will forgive once you confess your sin. It will be very important for the two of you seek accountability and walk with a mature Christian couple.

These tips are not exhaustive, please share more on how you kept pure, what you have seen work for others, and what you believe should work when you get there.

Facing and Dealing with Anxiety

I am sure that we all have personal experiences with anxiety. In 2017, I had nerve-wracking anxiety that escalated after I stopped working. I realized I had a problem when late into 2017, I called mum and burst into an uncontrollable, emotional cry.

I had been fighting some emotionally draining private battles in the year and I was very angry at God. I stopped believing, I gave up on prayers, and I quit fellowship. In my mind, I was convinced that God was on an evil mission, a wicked quest to hurt and break me in all the possible ways He could. And I was bitter. I struggled to understand: Why a good God would not answer His child’s prayers, why a good God allowed emotional and psychological torment? why and when this good God stopped answering prayers? Was He even a good God? I kept wondering.

But, I had a conversation with mum that helped me regain some sanity. I realized I was slowly sinking into depression and immediately considered therapy. However, by God’s grace, I was able to face my situation and deal. 

As promised, here is how I have managed to handle anxiety;

1.     Learning my anxiety triggers: I realized that for me anxiety mirrors a silent free fall from a five-storey building—that ends in black-hole. It is a stealthy, sneaky, impossible-to-predict predator, and can hide around a corner in a brightly lit moment, waiting to take me unaware.

I have learnt to:

Ø  Speak out. I am learning to verbally express my feelings, fears, and worries to the people around me.

Ø  Distract myself enough to stop my slide off that five-storey ledge. I usually take myself for a coffee date or go for a walk in the malls

Ø  Take control of my thoughts, feelings, and behaviour by audibly speaking positive words to counter every negative thought.

Ø  Take responsibility for my actions and appreciate that choices have consequences, and that is simply life.

2. Appreciating that everyone is fighting a battle: Disappointments, setbacks, discouragement, failure, comes in many and varied forms. It’s difficult to recognize this plain truth as it is incredibly easy to be focused on our own suffering. 

At any given point each and every one of us carries some type of burden; to one, it could be divorce, to another loneliness, and another a terminal illness. Understanding that we are all fighting different battles helps me appreciate that disappointments, setbacks, discouragement and failures are a reality about living. 

3.    God is good: Are there times in your life when you did not understand why certain things were happening to you? Did it almost feel like God had rejected you? If so, your experience is common. In Psalm 74: 1, Asaph opens with this question: ‘Why have you rejected us forever, O God?’

In Luke 18:19, Jesus reminds us that God is good. To say that God is good means that God always acts in accordance with what is right, true, and good. Goodness is part of God’s nature, and He cannot contradict His nature. He has no evil in Him, His intentions and motivations are always good, He always does what is right, and the outcome of His plan is always good (Genesis 50:20). There is nothing unpleasant, evil, or dark in Him.

David in Psalm 119:68 notes that God’s goodness extends from His nature to everything that He does. “The LORD is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations” (Psalm 100:5). God only creates what is good, because He is fully good and He cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone” (James 1:13)

I settled it in my heart, mind and soul, even when it does not look like it, God is GOOD, and whatever He allows my way, His intentions for me are Good.

4.    Being Thankful: The day I shifted focus from what was not working out to what working, I became cognizant of how blessed and privileged I was. I have many things to be grateful for; Good health, a family, friends, food on the table, a roof over my head, a place to lie down and many many other blessings. 

Thanksgiving—the giving of thanks—to God for all His blessings is our core duty as believers. We must not allow a spirit of ingratitude to harden our heart and chill our relationship with God and with others. Nothing turns us into anxious and dissatisfied people more quickly than an ungrateful heart. And nothing will do more to restore contentment and the joy of our salvation than a true spirit of thankfulness.

5.    God of Peace and Joy: I also realized that God is able to grant us peace and joy in every situation. The Apostle Paul, separated from friends, unjustly accused, brutally treated—with every right to complain, urges the church in Philippi not to be anxious anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present their requests to God so that His peace which transcends all understanding guards their hearts and minds in Christ Jesus

In John 14:27, Jesus Christ promised to give us a peace that this world cannot give.

I learnt to make my requests known to God and have indeed experienced peace and joy in the year 2018.

6.    Understanding that Christian Suffering is purposeful: Even though many things in life will hurt and be unexplainable, God occasionally (perhaps often) shines purposeful light into our darkness. If you’re hurting right now, that might be difficult to believe. In her book, ‘When a good God allows rape’ Joy Tan-chi sheds light on how God has used her gang rape pain and healing experience to reach out to many abused women globally.

After a season of grieving, many find comfort in knowing that God can use even tragedies to bring about good. Ephesians 1:11 [God] works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will.

Paul reminds us that Christ comforts us in our suffering so we can comfort others (2 Corinthians 1:3–5). As we look to God for comfort and hope in suffering, He spurs us to comfort others who are being afflicted with the same comfort we’ve received from Him.

I settled it my heart, mind and soul that God is with me in every season of my life, working everything conformity with the purpose of His will.

May you find God's peace and joy in whatever season you are in.

Lots of Love from me ❤❤❤